8 tips on Powerful Networking for Introverts.

If you feel uneasy with the thought of networking for success you are probably an introvert. Like me, you probably remember experiences of failed networking at school. Children’s parties were a disaster for me – I would invariably end the party (sometimes within an hour) by sitting alone on the stairs crying. I desperately wanted a best friend – but too many children were overwhelming and I just couldn’t cope at a party. It was a similar story when I started to attend the mandatory ‘networking events’ as an adult. I’d swan around looking for a hiding place, pretended to be interested in the pictures and finally would make my way to the toilet as a safe place to sit alone. At least I didn’t cry – but sometimes I felt like it!

 

When I was at school the head teacher suggested my parents look for a psychiatrist for me –after all what child chooses to sit alone in a noisy playground or stares out of the window lost in her imagination? Today she would understand that I am an introvert and to be technically correct, I am probably a ‘highly sensitive’ introvert*. There are a lot of us out there. Most psychologists seem to estimate that 15-50% of us qualify. 

Introverts can distrust networking as well as finding the social pressure difficult. Ever since I read Dale Carnegies book ‘How to win friends and influence people’ I have disliked the idea of ‘using’ friends to get ahead in life. Even worse, there was an era of pyramid marketing in the 80’s when we were encouraged to use our friends to get rich by networking them into a system. The whole thing left me with a deeply uneasy feeling of insincerity and I refused all friend requests to join the system!

I’ve recently come to terms with my aversion to networking and have found a way to use the advantages of my introvert nature to network effectively and even enjoy it. There are five areas of awareness that have encouraged me:

·         Understanding the social brain. Throughout history much of our success as a species has relied on solving problems and collaborating in teams to get things done. We are super sensitive to any social rejection and unconsciously drawn to others in our social ‘group’. We even create chemicals in our brains to manage social encounters. The reality is that ‘who we know’ has always determined ‘how well we do’.

·         Knowing that shyness is not the same as introversion. I have also become far more confident and less ‘shy’ over the years. Shyness and lack of confidence compound the behaviour of introverts but it should not be confused with it. Extroverts can be shy and introverts can be confident.

·         Learning about ‘trait shifting’. Introverts can act in an extrovert way (and vice versa). In fact, it seems we all should if we want to get the benefits of both traits. Daniel Pink refers to ‘accessing your inner ambivert’ in his book ‘To sell is human’*.  Over time I have learned that I need to act as an extravert to do my job – and I do. There is a great deal of evidence that introverts can even enjoy being extrovert for short periods.  Professor Brian Little has coined this ‘trait shifting’. When we feel passionately about what we are doing, we can shift into another trait area to fulfil it. *

·         Rejecting the old myths. When I was young, we were led to believe that having knowledge and capability would result in success. Work hard and learn well and you will do well in life. Age has taught me otherwise. Simply being the most knowledgeable person, or the most experienced or most competent at the work – will not guarantee anything. It’s not what you now but who you know’ that matters. The old social brain and its chemicals trump knowledge and experience every time!

·         Getting into the super connected world. The last decade has revolutionized the ability to connect through technology. Today, it is even more important to build networks and maintain them. Globalisation and complex connections across cultures has created a focus on collaboration for success. Technology that allows less ‘in your face’ socializing and gives each of us more control and has enabled introverts to have an advantage at last. Nothing has replaced the importance of face to face relationships – but one person at a time is fine.

Tips

Here are some practical tips that I find work for me:

1.       Change your mindset. Stop thinking about networking and consider building relationships one person at a time. You will soon have a small but beautiful network! Networking doesn’t need to be at large events. However, sometimes it is difficult to avoid the ‘networking opportunities’ that events offer. Get over your feeling that you are using your friends. You aren’t. They wouldn’t recommend you if they didn’t rate you and hopefully there is a reciprocal relationship here. This is different to selling your friends a ‘network marketing opportunity’. Think more widely about your network; some of my ‘inner circle’ people never give me work but they offer invaluable advice and I support them in return.

 

   2.       Utilise your existing connections first. You may not be born to network but you may be born with networks. You were probably born into or developed into a group that supports each other. For instance, many years ago we had a friend who passed us work regularly.  She was a Catholic and often joked about the ‘catholic mafia’. In fact it was surprising how many catholics were working with her. We are not catholic, but became honorary members of that club through our friend for a short time. Religious groups identify easily with each other – another friend is Jewish with an even stronger support club. Unfortunately, neither my partner not I have any strong religious bent. Neither are we gay (another very active club) or part of the parent club (we couldn’t have children) or from a minority culture. Whatever club you naturally identify with, there will be a close knit opportunity for networking within it. If you have no natural ‘clubs’ like us, your friends may do. Start with your natural advantage.

3.       Join interest groups. Even if you have no natural groups, you can become part of a group that shares a common interest. Extraverts belong to many interest clubs because they like people contact and look for interests as an excuse to join clubs. Rotary, Lions, women’s groups, and thousands of leisure clubs from rugby to bowls are full of extraverts and introverts who are passionate about the cause or activity. Introverts like us have spent most of our lives avoiding clubs; we have enough people contact in our work without using our personal time being exhausted by making conversation with more people. It is important to make sure that the club represents one of your passions – and then the socialising will be real and more worthwhile.

4.       Have fewer, deeper relationships. There is no need to have 500 best friends – choose the ones you respect and enjoy being with. Over time your list will be huge. There is no evidence that more contacts create a more effective network. Focus on quality relationships. Networks only work well where there is a strong relationship at the core.

 

·         If you don’t like or respect someone, don’t form a relationship and say ‘no’ if someone wants to form one with you. Stay in control.

·         Focus on each person as an individual and build a give and take relationship. Always ‘give first’ and ‘give back’.

·         Use your empathy to understand things from the others person’s point of view and offer what they need and want (not what you might want).

 

    5.        Identify inner, outer and acquaintance circles. A huge network is like a garden to me. I plant new trees and need to spend time watering and feeding them for them to grow strong over time. As I plant new trees, the older ones don’t need quite as much attention but are still there for me to sit under in years to come. They may not bear fruit for many years, and some may die along the way, but I have given most of them a good start in life!

 

Similarly, I rarely have more than 5 people in my inner circle and they are usually people I also work with. I have learned that I can’t build close relationships with more than 5 people at a time. The next circle has people I have had a relationship with, but they are not so active in my life at present. I may check in with them once or twice a year. The outer circle has those who are even more distant (in some cases I haven’t even seen them for 20 years) but if I contacted them, we could be close again tomorrow because we started with a strong relationship years ago.

·         Stay in touch with outer circles

·         Get rid of any relationship that is taking up time that could be used for a more deserving person. You know who these people are – inertia friends from way back who take your time but you just don’t feel right with them. Even worse – people who are using you to get what they want and not giving back, or people who are negative and constantly destabilize you with criticism or negative comments.

·         Make sure that your circles are diverse – if they all know each other you need to widen your source of relationships.

6    Act out of style for a while. Trait shifting works – and it’s fun! Just don’t do it for too long. Build your confidence by acting and become an extrovert for a while. Use your particular introvert skills to enhance your extroversion!

·         Smile, touch (handshake usually) and listen to others.

·         Prepare for the meeting by doing some thinking and research about the person or event. Remember, this is not about you it is about them. Imagine how you will approach and talk with people and recall or research a couple of relevant stories / facts that you might want to refer to.

·         Focus on the others, not yourself. Avoid that extrovert tactic of looking over the other persons shoulder for a better option while they are talking. Those people see and feel that…you will not be forgiven!

·         Recognise others who might also be introvert and help them by talking with them.

·         Find a ‘friendly face’ who you can rely on at first – but don’t stick with them to avoid contact with others!

7    Use your energy well. It takes energy to switch on a different trait. You can’t trait shift for too long-find out how long that is for you. Ration relationship time. There is no need to subject yourself to over-socialisation – take time and form better relationships. Give yourself regular quiet time or you will resent your time with others. You will become depleted by too much exposure.

·         Say ‘no’ to events when you are tired, feeling unwell, stressed or just over exposed.

·         Set modest goals for attendance at any event – e.g. will talk to three people and find out at least one thing that we have in common.

·         Ration social time each month.

·         Build your energy before an event by relaxing and taking time out (I often meditate on the plane on my way to events – no one knows I am doing it – they think I am asleep)

·         Develop a routine for dealing with events. Routines reassure the brain and build confidence. E.g. walk in and choose the first person you see with something red on and walk over to talk with them. Always start conversations with the same sentence…and have an escape sentence to end the conversation. Always slip away at a set time.

 

8         Use social media as a ‘cheat’ way to maintain contact. Social media is the introvert’s friend. Choose how to use it carefully. I use Facebook for my closest family and friends and LinkedIn for my outer circles. Regular visits to Facebook enable me to maintain relationships without meeting face to face. Posting photos and events automatically keeps others up to date so that when you next meet, there is no need to regale them with your latest news. This is not only time saving when you meet again but also maintains a feeling of constantly being in touch with each other and maintaining the relationship.

LinkedIn allows me to find and keep up with any changes of job and circumstances of old contacts as well as existing ones. Keeping your profile up to date is vital because others may be looking searching you. I have recently had a CEO contact me after more than 10 years to ask me to do some work. I first knew him 30 years ago when he was still a trainee. Luckily our LinkedIn contact enabled him to find me again.

 

I have created two groups on LinkedIn and one on Facebook. In this way I can enjoy interesting discussion around topics in groups where I have control. A perfect introvert solution!

My rule is close friends and family only on Facebook (I reject offers from people I don’t know or who are only work acquaintances) and LinkedIn for business contacts. I am happy to include anyone in the interest groups, because they virtually self-select according to our shared interest. If you don’t use social networking – you may find it a very good outlet that suits your need to sit alone and communicate at your own pace!

Introverts can be great networkers. They don’t always connect at events, but they are brilliant at forming deeper, long lasting relationships. The trick is to use the benefits of our natural trait and then trait shift when we need to add the benefits of extroversion. Extroverts need to trait shift too – and apply some of the traits of the introverted networker. Success is built on social relationships and networking is an unfortunate word, but whenever you hear it, know that you can be great by being yourself and just adding a little of something else to be a great success.

 

References:

*

‘To sell is Human’ The surprising truth about moving others’ Daniel Pink. Riverhead books 2012 The Ambivert advantage pages 80-84